She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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