i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
