dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
