3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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