lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
