i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We left the knife in your bed.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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