Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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