My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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