When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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