is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
