I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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