I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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