my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
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Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
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Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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