I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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