He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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