Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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