I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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