she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
