I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my shit smells like andre
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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