I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
