Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
