Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
