if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
