apparently the secret to your success is patron
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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