Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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