just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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