I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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