Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
