Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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