im about as happy as oj after his trial
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Randomize
