mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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