In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
