I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
