Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he thought i was a dude.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
