I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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