I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Someone shit on the floor
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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