i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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