I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
