There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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