my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
