I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
