I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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