Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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