Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
