I wish I only lived at night.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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