It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
