i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
