I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
