Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
