You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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