you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
