Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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