Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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