Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
