Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
